I keep seeing books entirely devoted to gift wrapping at my library. To clarify, because that sentence seems unbelievable: the books are about wrapping presents. They instruct the reader on gift wrapping techniques. Well, a quick check on Amazon showed 18 of this sort of book, and I didn’t look beyond the first two search pages.

Not one to let an opportunity pass me by, I am taking a crack at this emerging market.

How to wrap a gift.

  1. Assemble supplies. Scissors, nice sharp ones if your rotten children haven’t stolen them in order to cut through sheet metal or drywall. Tape, preferably clear ‘gift-wrapping’ type. It is likely that the children have absconded with this as well. Just today my daughter used a roll of packing tape to ‘laminate’ identification badges. In a pinch, a glue stick may be substituted. Or super glue. The most important part of gift wrapping is the paper or fabric used to cover the gift. (It could be argued that the most important part is love, but if you’re that kind of person, you probably shouldn’t be here.) If your house is anything like mine, the only wrapping paper not in use as robot skin, or the shaft of a sword, will be bridal or Christmas themed. In this case, use newspaper or a paper bag. This is no time to be fussy.
  2. Assess the size and shape of your package. Not that package. Focus on the task at hand, you dirty-minded monkey.
  3. Spread your covering material flat on your work surface, aka the floor. Place your package gift upside down in the center of the paper. Pull one side of paper over gift and secure paper to gift with super glue, or tape. Repeat with opposite side of gift.
  4. Turn gift 45 degrees counterclockwise. Light some Nag Champa and pour yourself a glass of rose in preparation for the final stages of gift wrapping. Deep breath, and let it out slowly through the nose. Now, as the feeling of peace flows through your veins on a wave of rose, grasp the open ends of your gift. Gently pleat the material in eighths while simultaneously folding the paper to the center of the package. Quickly and calmly, affix the pleated paper with super glue. Deep breath, turn the gift 180 degrees and repeat on other end.
  5. Now the fun begins!!!!!! Tissue paper flowers, curled ribbons, plastic flowers, dyed feathers, lollipop bouquets, live butterflies with tiny leashes on their necks: the sky is the limit here, folks. Put on your imagination hat, raid the craft cupboard (or in my house, just look under the couch) and decorate that package. Don’t forget the tag, preferably written before your third glass of wine. Attach the tag with a gossamer thread of angel hair. Alternately, use dental floss or fishing line.

Congratulations! You are ready for the party! You wrapped a gift all by yourself. Please do not re-post this tutorial unless you request permission first. Email me at the.wrapping.diva@homemakersanon.com.