I am not yet a member of the AARP, but my husband is and I’ve read the newsletters, so I feel qualified to create this quiz.
1. Your retirement plan is:
a. A diversified investment portfolio, managed by a professional at ING
b. Largely dependent on publishing your memoirs, which you are positive will become an international bestseller. After all, you were very popular in the ’70s, and you have photos.
c. Your 11-year-old daughter shows a lot of scientific potential. Scientists make enough money to support their parents, right?
2. You have a rare afternoon to yourself. You choose to:
b. Read The New York Times at your leisure, without interruption. Ahh, the editorials!
c. Twitter, Facebook, popeater
3. Your co-worker keeps stealing your stapler. In retaliation, you:
a. Open all their Diet 7-Ups and take a sip out of each.
b. Glue the stapler to the desk top.
c. Report the culprit to human resources.
4. Your boss wears her pants pulled up to her armpits. You:
a. Ignore it, of course. She’s in charge because of her razor-sharp intelligence.
b. Wear stretchy knit clothing whenever possible so you can mock her.
c. Report her to human resources.
5. Your bathroom counter reveals:
a. That you use more products on your face than you do on your teeth.
b. That you keep your teeth in a jar at night.
c. That you dislike cleaning.
6. Your spouse has bronchitis. You:
a. Threaten to cover his face with a pillow if he doesn’t stop coughing.
b. Bring him tea with honey, and set up a humidifier.
c. Give him extra codeine, just to help him sleep.
Scoring: for each ‘a’ answer, give yourself 12 points. For each ‘b’ answer, give yourself 7 points. For each ‘c’ answer, subtract 3 points. Multiply total times 13, spin the bottle and kiss whomever it points to when it stops.
If you scored less than 38, you are extremely immature, and we can probably be friends. Email me at email@example.com.
If you scored greater than 170, just put your teeth back in the jar and go to sleep. It’s probably past your bedtime.