Just in time for the Day of Love: a couples’ personality test. I devised this just for you, using the expertise I have gained from years of reading Cosmopolitan magazine. Gather up your sweetie, or, if you are at all like me, just answer for him/her. I find the best results come from doing the whole thing myself.

1. It is 11:30 p.m. Clay Matthews, who is super handsome and awesomely athletic, is scheduled to appear on Jay Leno. Do you choose:

a. Go to bed. After all, you haven’t had sex for four days, plus you did just shave your legs.

b. Stay up late. Clay Matthews! You must find out if he is as well-spoken as he is good-looking.

c. Watch Letterman.

2. Your dream vacation is:

a. Any trip that does not include cooking or making decisions more complicated than SPF 30 v. SPF 50.

b. Any destination that requires you to don multiple layers of wicking clothing, followed by a down parka and crampons.

c. Vegas, baby.

3. Your partner suggests that his/her mother moves in for an undetermined amount of time. You:

a. Transition through all the stages of grief, beginning with denial. Then you agree.

b. Start marriage counseling.

c. Investigate the possibility of becoming a “caregiver”; your partner clearly needs some medical marijuana.

4. You decide to become an Egyptologist. Sure, it’s a bit of a departure from your previous career as an undertaker, but it has always been your dream. It should only take nine or ten years for you to become financially solvent again. Your spouse reacts by:

a. Beginning therapy for new onset panic attacks.

b. Dating.

c. Holding your hand and telling you you’re beautiful.

5. It’s “date night” so you and your partner:

a. What the fuck is date night?

b. No, really, is that an actual thing?

c. Does staying up late to watch Glee count?

6. You spend two months picking out paint color for your living room, including test swatches all over the wall. Six months after the job is done, your partner declares the color to be “cold” and says he wants to re-paint. You:

a. Kill him.

b. Cry.

c. Kill him.

7. For Christmas, your partner buys you a super expensive pan instead of the $35 art class that you asked for and didn’t sign yourself up for because it was two weeks before Christmas, for goodness sake. You:

a. Are still pissed two months later.

b. Plan to buy him a really nice necklace for his birthday. Something turquoise. Well, it is his birthstone.

c. Cook eggs and get over it.

8. Your spouse has some, well, quirks. You:

a. Point them out regularly. After all, how else will he/she improve?

b. Close your eyes, put your fingers in your ears and yodel loudly. Repeat as needed.

c. Mock him/her in front of friends and family. They want to be involved, too.


To score your quiz, write down the letters that correspond with your answers in one column (column #1)and your partner’s in a second column(column #2). In column #1, convert all A’s to the number 33. Covert all B’s to the number 47. Convert all C’s to A’s. Add them up.

For column #2, convert all A responses to 1.5, all B responses to 33 and all C responses to Z. Add them and compare to the column #1 result. Are the two results within 100 points of each other? Congratulations, you two are a happy couple. If the difference is more than 100 (>100) then check back next week for my marriage counseling post, tentatively titled You Suck and so does Your Spouse.