This Livestrong article about marriage caught my eye. The title is irresistible: Signs of Marriage Fraud. I’m trying to imagine the hapless fool who was induced to marry under fraudulent circumstances.

Boy meets Girl:

Girl: Oh, you look like you could provide me with a stable and secure lifestyle.

Boy: Yes, my lovely, your financial future is secure with me. My GM retirement will assure our future.

It’s fortunate for our duo that Michigan is a no-fault state. Really, if you had to establish fault for dissolving your marriage, you wouldn’t have to think too long. Here’s a short list:

  • She wants too much sex.
  • He watches HGTV.
  • His dog hates me.
  • His mother hates me.
  • She slept with my father.
  • He whistles constantly.
  • She only listens to R&B.
  • He won’t move to Hawaii.
I think Lance Armstrong is trying to become the next Oprah. Armstrong has his own television channel. His site offers a list of Daily Ideas to be a Good Husband, including this gem:  Although farts and belches often are hilarious to men, women usually don’t find them amusing. A good husband acts in a civilized manner around his wife, showing respect for her sensitivities. Good advice if you’re thirteen.
How many millions do you have to earn before you assume everybody can benefit from your opinions and ideas? Case in point: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop and its guide to balancing motherhood and work. So unrealistic unless you’re in the top 1% income bracket. I don’t work now, but I have worked part-time, full-time, gone to school part-time and full-time, all while parenting. Here are my suggestions for working mothers:
  • Get a haircut at least every six months, or else you’ll constantly look like a before picture.
  • Teach your kids to make their own lunch, or train them to love tater tots.
  • Bedtime: 8:00pm, firm.
  • Give up housekeeping. Really, it’s okay.
  • Use baby wipes to bathe the baby.
  • Make friends with the pizza delivery dude.
  • Pick your battles. Does your child keep telling everyone that he changed his name to Dan? Not really that important. Is your toddler wearing tights with shorts, in December. How is that different from wearing a skirt, really?
  • You probably won’t sleep for the next several years. That’s normal.

 

 


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