My New Year’s resolution has been the same for several years: be brave. Simple, right? I still have to remind myself pretty often that bravery is a goal, but I have decided to move it from the realm of resolution to the lifelong change section of my psyche. Instead, I have resolved that in 2011 I will make more cookies. Wait, I mean write more, use my new screenprinter and make more quilts. I am going to take the time to do things that I really, really like to do.
When I quit my job to homeschool my kids, I envisioned loads of free time and all the stuff I’d get done. The house would be cleaned regularly. Dinner would be homemade, vegetables would be homegrown. We would raise chickens. I would have time to read novels. Having this kind of hallucinatory vision is not unprecedented: the same fantasy cropped up each time I had a baby and took a maternity leave. It never quite worked out the way I planned.
At least now my children are old enough to be left alone while I shower, put on clean clothes and brush my teeth. And we do have a homemade dinner most nights, and we grow a nice variety of vegetables. But still, something is missing. Part of my vision was me, creating something, finding a new path in life. So why is it that every time I try to write, and the story is crap, I give up? If I am interrupted for toast and hot chocolate, I turn the computer off and turn my attention to something else. I am all about being in the moment and enjoying this time (this gift) with my beautiful and creative kids. But there is no reason that I cannot have my own moment. I need to give myself undivided attention every day, too. Why have I been avoiding myself?
So the 2011 goal/resolution is to take time every day to create. Just writing that makes me uncomfortable: I am selfish, or worse, presumptuous. Who am I to think I can write something relevant and beautiful? Clichés keep popping into my head as I write this, if not now, when… and reach for the stars. But I think Mr. Magorium said it best, “Your life is an occasion Mahoney. Rise to it.”